On Sunday, I felt like I was physically able to go to church. This was only the second time this year that I felt like I could go. As I started the getting ready, I realized I was afraid. Fear had begun to take over.
You see, my husband and I have worked hard making sure the house was safe for me and every possible trigger is avoided. There is a dark room for bad moments, my medications are laid out and all of the other things that seem mundane to most people are taken care of. Every single detail of my environment is controlled by us.
Church (or any public place for that matter) is anything but a controlled environment. In this setting the fluorescent lights are bright, room deodorizers are used, the music is loud, people wear perfume and the list goes on and on. Any one of these alone can trigger a Hemiplegic Migraine but when you combine them, it is likely a recipe for disaster.
This realization brought something to the forefront, that I was coming very close to being afraid to leave my home. In trying to make a safe environment, I had created my cocoon. I had created a place to lock myself safely away. Fear was becoming my friend.
I wondered how people could get to the point where they couldn’t leave their house and now I knew. It doesn’t happen overnight…it creeps up on you. In creating a haven you slowly create your prison.