Fear, afraid
chronic illness,  Hemiplegic Migraine,  Migraine

Sometimes I am Afraid

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There are a few things that is rarely talked about by people that battle migraines. One of the big ones is FEAR. Why fear? Well…

I find the darkness of my dark, quiet room envelope me. The quietness is just too quiet and the darkness is just a little too dark. I know there is a world going on just outside the windows covered with the darkest curtains I could find. Darkness, pain and sickness…some days that is all I know. During these times there is always fear. It comes in many forms; anger, anxiety, quietness…but no matter how it comes out, it is fear. I am afraid of being alone, I am afraid of letting people down and I am afraid of being swallowed whole by the sickness. I am afraid of loosing me.

Then there are other days that are not so gloomy and well, not so dark. Those are the days when fear creeps in like a darkness all its own. What do I have to be afraid of on the days when I actually feel a little more human? Simply put, I am scared of how long or short the reprieve will be.

It is like walking around with a cloud over my head. Sometimes it doesn’t rain (the good days) and some times it pours (bad days). But no matter what the day’s “weather” is…that cloud is always breathing down my neck.

So, how do I battle my fears? First of all, I need to say that this is a work in progress. Each time I allow my fears to take over, I step back and figure out how I could have managed things in a better way. Oh, it sounds simple enough but I will tell you right now that it is hard…one of the hardest things I do. BUT…each time it happens a plan forms and confidence builds. Each time…the scariest things don’t feel like the burden that pressed on your shoulders just the week before.

Afraid, fear

So, instead of letting the quiet be too quiet, I play some really soft music to fill the void. Even though the darkness needs to stay, the music seems to brighten the room in its own way. On those good times…I will try to push those fears away and enjoy things one single moment at a time. I may only get a few minutes to let the fresh air wash over me…but I try to take advantage of every moment I have of it.

It is a work in progress but I will do better each time!

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