When I woke up in ICU the next day, I knew this had been very different from before. This time there could be possible damage to my liver and kidneys but what we really different was me. I was scared this time. I knew that if something did not change that one day it would go from a passing thought to a permanent solution. Something had to change and it had to change now. My mind could no longer be in charge.
The problem was that it didn’t change. I was forced to go into the hospital again and I did everything asked of me. That is, until I decided that I was too close to handling my pain and I would play the game again. This time it didn’t work and I was not happy at all. This doctor and particularly this one nurse had me all figured out and they didn’t let me go home.
Instead, they offered to let me stay in a program that taught Cognitive Behavior Therapy. I would have a small job at the hospital (I worked in the candy shop) and make a wage. I stayed there for 3 months and I learned a lot about how to function in the real world. Unfortunately, I again played the game and I was allowed to leave. I should have stayed because I went back to South Carolina and found more hurt to pile on top of the old.
Mind No Longer in Control…sort of
I did get married again but for all of the wrong reasons. I was scared and this guy would take care of me and I felt like I needed a protector and I thought I had found it in this person. For all that was wrong with this marriage, two really amazing daughters came out of it. For this reason, I am not going to shed a lot of light on the issues of this marriage. This man is the father of my children and in spite of my hurts, I will not subject the details upon them. I will say that it is was an emotionally toxic relationship and I did many things to try to escape life during this time.
In early 2001, our little family moved to a new town and it was ultimately was the new start that I needed. I got a part-time job that soon turned into full-time and I loved it! I was thriving and my confidence was rising every day as I was succeeding and being promoted. That little thought in my mind was no longer there and I was seeing a future for myself for the first time ever.
It was during this time that the marriage did start to reveal its cracks. I no longer needed someone to take care of me because I was no longer that weak, scared girl. During this time, I did do some stupid things and had a few minor setbacks. Ultimately, I knew that the unhappiness in the marriage is what made my mind try to take over again. After 5 years of being happy, I refused to allow anything to take me back to that dark place. It was not an option and it didn’t matter what it meant.
I made the most difficult decision of my life and I left me marriage. I had tried for almost 11 years to convince myself that this marriage was what was best for my girls but it wasn’t. The volatility in the relationship was not healthy for them or for myself and I knew that if I was happier then my kids would benefit more than be harmed. The decisions I made were not popular ones and were definitely not easy to make.
My children would be staying with their father.