
How my Mind Became my Enemy – Part 1
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To say that my twenties were turbulent would be putting it mildly but to put it bluntly, I was an emotional mess. My life was out of control and the prospects of it getting better seemed slim to none. There were several things that happened in my mind that created the chaos and ultimately, my mind became my enemy.
I had always been that person who looked at the floor when she walked in front of a group. I don’t know, I just felt like they were all judging me. Was I walking funny or what if I fall and embarrass myself? In my mind, I was inferior to all of the people around me. Those thoughts and those actions were a part of who I was and I do not remember it ever being different.
My senior year in high school it all began to snowball into a large cravat that I would soon be falling into. Emotionally I was weak and I suddenly had a difficult time handling school and work. The fact that I had gotten married over the summer only added to this pressure. It just seemed like the emotions of past abandonment and past abuse were rising to the surface and I didn’t know how to cope.
Pressure Building
It would be 3 years before things would escalate into thoughts of panic, destruction and self harm. My marriage split up and I quickly found that my life had no focus. I decided that my best option was to join the military. I could learn a trade and get away from all of the things I thought were causing me to be emotionally overwhelmed.
In doing that, I just piled one mistake over another. The first mistake was getting married at 17 and the second was joining the military as a way to escape the hard things in my life. Now, to be honest, I had no real clue that basic training would only enhance my emotions. I had no idea that in breaking me down, basic training would open up wounds that it would take a decade to close.
How My Mind became My Enemy
My mind was not ready for the stress of basic training but by the time I realized this it was way too late. The combination of little sleep, 14-16 hour training days and the pressure of being yelled all day simply broke me. I tried hard to succeed and I was good at weapons, marching drill, orienteering and other various tasks but I was horrible at all of the other things. To explain things in a simple way, I had a breakdown one night during a training exercise.
My mind had become my enemy and it would play this role really well for many years. Ultimately, I was discharged from the military before basic training was completed. I was back at square one and I had no idea what to do. All I knew was that I was not going back home. I was still running away from the pain of my past.
Strangely, I ran straight toward one of the biggest hurts of my life…my father. My father had abandoned me, my sister and my mom when I was 5. I wanted any kind of a relationship possible with him so I made arrangements to move to South Carolina to try to be a daughter and to get my Daddy back. He once again denied me the love that I had desperately fought for. My mind did not handle this last blow very well.
Destruction Begins
After my father, once again, refused to be in my life I started coming a part at the seams. That night started with large amounts of alcohol and ended with a bottle of pills.
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31 Comments
Karen
Hugs and love, thanks for sharing your story. Glad you are still around to write it.
Jen Cannon
Thank you!
Sara
Thank you for sharing! So brave of you
Jen Cannon
Thank you
Nadalie Bardo
Really thought-provoking piece! Our minds can be our greatest friend or enemy, it’s interesting to think about what shapes it either way.
Jen Cannon
Thank you!
Chantel
Powerful. I’m sorry you went through so much pain in your life. But you know what? Everything you have overcome, and are still overcoming today, just goes to prove how strong you are. I’m on my way to read part 2. Thank you for sharing your story, I know this will help a lot of people who are going through something similar Xo
Jen Cannon
Thank you!
Kristina
Thank you for sharing this. Our darkest times aren’t easy to share. You write about these times with such insight and passion.
Jen Cannon
Part 3 will be published tomorrow. I think you might start to see why I am able to come across that way in the last 2 parts.
Thank you for reading and for commenting!
Britt K
Thank you for opening up and sharing such vulnerable experiences. Your strength in sharing this may make all the difference for someone battling similar demons.
Britt | http://alternativelyspeaking.ca
Jen Cannon
Thank you for the kind words.
Danielle McCormack
Thank you for sharing this. You write beautifully. x
Jen Cannon
Thank you so much!
Duncan
Well done on telling your story! I want to read more and I hope that getting it all down helps you deal with it! You are doing a great thing!
Jen Cannon
Thank you!
Megan
Well done on sharing your story, I imagine it was very difficult to do so. I’m sure it’ll help so many people who read it!
Jen Cannon
Thank you so much!
Kristi McAllister
Let me tell you what I love about this post: I love your transparency and your courage. So many of us were abandoned by our fathers and most of us carry some remnant of that into our adulthood. It’s hard. Very hard. I look forward to reading Part 2!
Jen Cannon
Thank you so much! I have been so scared to share the depth of my story.
Kate
I hope opening up about this will help you heal your wounds (if they still need healing). I’m glad you are sharing this with us.
And I relate so much to the title “how my mind became my enemy.”
Anjhanee
Wow, thank you so much for sharing Jen! It’s not easy to talk about our darkest times, but in doing so you can help others in so many ways. Can’t wait for Part 2!
Jen Cannon
Thank you! It is scary!
Jenna
I commend you for your bravery to share your story. Our minds are so powerful and we can really underestimate the power our minds possess.
I look forward to part two.
Jenna
Xoxo
https://jennasworldview.com/
Jen Cannon
Thank you! I don’t feel very brave… I feel scared about it!
Becca
I think it’s really brave to be so open about this. I can’t wait to read the next post!
Jen Cannon
It is really scary!
Tumiso Setladi
The mind is so powerful, what you think reflects your action, so you must channel your thoughts into your truth..
Loved it!
Jen Cannon
Thank you!
Jo
Well done for sharing this. I for one are glad you are still around to tell your story, as it will help others.
Jen Cannon
Thank you!