Pressure BuildingIt would be 3 years before things would escalate into thoughts of panic, destruction and self harm. My marriage split up and I quickly found that my life had no focus. I decided that my best option was to join the military. I could learn a trade and get away from all of the things I thought were causing me to be emotionally overwhelmed. In doing that, I just piled one mistake over another. The first mistake was getting married at 17 and the second was joining the military as a way to escape the hard things in my life. Now, to be honest, I had no real clue that basic training would only enhance my emotions. I had no idea that in breaking me down, basic training would open up wounds that it would take a decade to close.
How My Mind became My EnemyMy mind was not ready for the stress of basic training but by the time I realized this it was way too late. The combination of little sleep, 14-16 hour training days and the pressure of being yelled all day simply broke me. I tried hard to succeed and I was good at weapons, marching drill, orienteering and other various tasks but I was horrible at all of the other things. To explain things in a simple way, I had a breakdown one night during a training exercise. My mind had become my enemy and it would play this role really well for many years. Ultimately, I was discharged from the military before basic training was completed. I was back at square one and I had no idea what to do. All I knew was that I was not going back home. I was still running away from the pain of my past. Strangely, I ran straight toward one of the biggest hurts of my life…my father. My father had abandoned me, my sister and my mom when I was 5. I wanted any kind of a relationship possible with him so I made arrangements to move to South Carolina to try to be a daughter and to get my Daddy back. He once again denied me the love that I had desperately fought for. My mind did not handle this last blow very well.
Destruction BeginsAfter my father, once again, refused to be in my life I started coming a part at the seams. That night started with large amounts of alcohol and ended with a bottle of pills.
Similar Post: There is a Purpose in the Journey