How my Mind Became My Enemy is my mental health story. In these words, I share how my mind, negative thinking and living in the past created a firestorm in my life that almost killed me.
Since it is Mental Health Awareness Month, I thought I would highlight this four-part series.
I cannot say this enough, if you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, please seek help! Talk to someone you trust because keeping silent is a deadly decision.
If you don’t feel like you have someone to talk to, contact the Suicide Prevention Lifeline (in the UK contact, Support Line).
Is the path to recovery easy? NO! But it is so worth it!
My Mental Health Story
Part 1: Pressure Building
To say that my twenties were turbulent would be putting it mildly but to put it bluntly, I was an emotional mess. My life was out of control and the prospects of it getting better seemed slim to none. There were several things that happened in my mind that created the chaos and ultimately, my mind became my enemy.My mind was so mired in the events of the past that there was no today or tomorrow to be seen.
Part 2: Mind Games
I woke up in a hospital, not the kind with private rooms and nice nurses that bring you medication. This one had a person watching every move I made. I was allowed a pillow but no blanket, shoes but no shoelaces and bathroom privileges but no privacy. My mind had officially created a battlefield in my life.
Part 3: The Unraveling
When I woke up in ICU the next day, I knew this had been very different from before. This time there could be possible damage to my liver and kidneys but what we really different was me. I was scared this time. I knew that if something did not change that one day it would go from a passing thought to a permanent solution. Something had to change and it had to change now. My mind could no longer be in charge.
Part 4: Putting Things Together
I lost 16 of what should have been my most productive years to mental illness. I really can’t tell you how many psychiatric hospitalizations that I had during this time because I lost count. My mind was so mired in the events of the past that there was no today or tomorrow to be seen. It was like my mind wanted to punish me for the things that other people had done to me. I was drowning in the anger that I had for the people who hurt me.
I hope you have found something useful in my mental health story. The years represented in these posts, were excruciating and putting it to words was not easy. It will be worth it if someone finds some strength to hold on to within the words of my mental health story.