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When my health started to deteriorate two years ago, I was active in the pursuit of finding God within my struggle. I prayed through the worst of my pain, I read my Bible daily and I used Worship music to help strengthen my faith. My relationship to God saw me through the days when my life was being shattered.
As the journey of sickness continued, I lost my ability to be active within my church. I could no longer sing on the Praise Team. Not only because of the energy required but because the cognitive delays that resulted from Hemiplegic Migraine had made keeping rhythm and staying on key impossible. Slowly, I became more and more distant from the Christian fellowship that was such a huge part of who I was.
As time went on, I knew I was being prayed for by many people. I knew God could heal me… I had no doubt. My faith was strong!
I don’t remember when it began to change…I guess it was a very slow process. The lack of Christian Fellowship started opening cracks in my faith. I began to question the prayers for God’s healing touch and I got to the point where I almost resented being told, “I am praying for you”. In my mind, God had already answered and apparently the answer was no. I was hurt and I was angry.
My private prayer time stopped. Soon, my morning devotion and Bible studies ended and then the worship music went silent. I deemed myself a weak Christian and lived my life knowing God wasn’t going to heal me…His answer was no and I didn’t understand. I would like to say that this was hard but it wasn’t because I just laid here in my sickness with no hope. There wasn’t a struggle because my resolve was gone.
Then someone said something to me that I will never forget, “I am praying for you everyday and I just don’t understand why nothing is happening “. This person was someone I look up to as a prayer warrior…a strong Christian…a person with strong faith! I just kept thinking that If they could have doubts then I must not be a weak Christian. That one sentence opened up my heart!
Renewal of Faith
I began a private journey back to God. My prayer time was the first thing that came back into my life. I asked God to hold my hand through my struggle and My journey wasn’t as lonesome. I asked God for strength and I felt stronger. My human mind can’t explain this…it just was!
Then I started reading the Bible again. I read the Book of Job…because I knew God could show me how to have faith within the struggle. Within His words God showed me that healing comes in many forms. Acceptance, outreach, worthiness, sorrow, faith, growth, love, ministering…these are all forms of healing. But the thing that He taught me best is that God makes new treasure from brokenness.
I was being healed in ways that my simple mind could not understand. Heal, healed and healing seems like simple words but they are each layered within the divine and God uses His power to heal in ways that sometimes can’t be seen on the outside.
Once all of this became my new reality, the music returned on its own. I started working on keeping rhythm and tempo and now I am working on staying on key. My goal is to be on that Praise Team again, in spite of my physical symptoms!
Yes, it would be nice if we could just place custom orders with God. If I could, I would order a dose of complete physical healing with no residual effects. But somehow I have a feeling that I will be more content with the dose of healing that God has designed just for me!
Has something ever happened to you that rocked your faith?